Advice from a Crazy Mad Gardener

Does your passion for gardening sometimes drive you insane?  

—-or maybe it is a release for pent up frustrations?

I can honestly say it is a bit of both for me and yet, there is also a deep seated compulsion to surround myself with healthy, living plants.  I want to breathe the petrichor as water liberates the scent from hot, dry earth.  I love to just in the garden and take in the scents of roses and lavender,  watch the mad dance of bumblebees scavenging apple blossoms or russian sage or listen to sparrows feed their young in nests hidden among the ivy.

Recently I’ve begun writing a series of articles which you can access through the Amazon Vella series.   It is written in an Erma Bombeck style of humor with crazy observations related to gardening.  As I say in the introduction:

Some people plant a few flowers. Some grow veggies in summer. Maybe they have a little spider plant or bamboo in the office.

I am not exactly one of those people. My philodendron extends from one pot on a shelf across three walls in my dining room. The Maple sapling in my front yard cries when temperatures top 100 degrees. Starbucks baristas across the city save coffee grounds for me. Plant catalogs choke my mailbox and, yes, this 67 year old Master Gardener owns a tractor.

My book “The Crazy Mad Gardener” will be coming out soon.   Some advanced reviews by other gardeners are below:


Comments from readers of the Crazy Mad Gardener :

From Fil Chavez, author of “Unused Towels”

MAD MAD MAD . . . with lots of really good advice! 

I am not a serious gardener, I am more of a “Well, I tried but …”  Nonetheless, this is indeed CRAZY MAD HUMOR … i.e., “squash bugs …. Horniest critters in the insect world … Live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria … take a cold bath.”

All that on just the first page … and it gets better!  Well, not ‘better’ since these first thoughts are truly uniquely MAD!  It continues in a very enjoyable manner.  Oh, yes, lots of good advice as well.  I can hardly wait til next spring … maybe then, I would be able to say, “I am a serious gardener.”  

In the meantime, I gotta check out the composting guidance.  Lots of other good advice; wish to read this again.  It will definitely be worth getting the book.  Thanks, Rose!


Parris Afton Bonds , Internationally Published Romance Author          


Rose Marie Kern entertains with humor the agony and ecstasy of her gardening experience. Whether you are a gardening afficionado or not, you will enjoy her foray into her passion for gardening


V.F.R.               Fun and Informative
Fun to read while filled with good advice for low-water-use gardeners. As a beginning gardener, the author wasn’t confined with the do’s and don’ts of gardening. She just dumped layers of compost materials and became thrilled with the results. With trial and error, help from friends, and copious coffee grounds from Starbucks, she “created my space and it reached back to transform me.”
Now after many years with spade and trowel, research, and persistence, Rose Kern shares her experience with humor and practical observations. The Crazy Mad Gardener is definitely worth a read.

Dale Garrat      A fun romp through an offbeat approach to gardening

An informative and entertaining read. Rose really thinks outside the box working on her (pretty extensive) garden. I love her high-imagination and low-effort approach to eliminating squash bugs on pumpkins. “Grab a 100-foot extension cord and a shop vac and ‘whoosh’ they are all gone.”


D. E. Williams       Humorous take on gardening in the High Desert

Rose Kern has a delightful way of writing that brings freshness to the technical aspects of gardening. Not being a gardener (brown thumb all the way up to the elbow), I wasn’t sure the story would fit my reading taste, but it was witty and interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 3 chapters and eagerly await what follows. Thanks for sharing your skill and your humor, Ms. Kern!


Michael       Hilarious yet educational take on gardening

From the first sentence, Rose has such an engaging style of writing, laced with humor.
And if you’re not careful, you might even learn something. I appreciate enjoyable learning experiences.
Bravo! Well said…

Vicky         So much fun to read!

I’m not a gardener, and I rarely read anything about plants or gardening. However, I do greatly admire those people who can turn an ugly space into a beautiful garden. Rose is one of those, and I know this even though I haven’t seen her yard because she paints wonderful pictures with her words. I loved reading about her efforts to rid her yard of weeds; her discovery of unexpected surprises in her new property; the trials and tribulations of growing anything in the high desert. Her ability to take me right into her front yard as she creates raised beds is delightful. I’m a fan, and I can’t wait for finished book.


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